Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Help, My daughters won't stop fighting

I've moaned so much about the summer holidays that I've even started to bore myself. For some reason I had this crazy idea in my head that it was supposed to get easier as my children got older but I can tell you right now - that this has been the worst summer of my parenting years... EVER and that's quite a statement as I've been a mum for nearly 21 years.

I'm not totally sure what went so wrong...but it's been bad.

No1 son has worked his way through the holidays back in his uni town and as I moaned about him not having a job last summer I can't say a word about his lack of visits this year (who said being a mum is easy?). Anyway he isn't the problem, it's the other three.

I say three but what I really mean is the girls.

They've always fought but then been friends in equal measures, until this summer that is.
I don't know what has happened to them but during this holiday they've ground me down with their constant fighting and messiness and no matter how I react it continues all day - every day.

Sonny has taken refuge in his bedroom, working on one Lego project or another or playing Xbox live with his friends. He's had enough too.
I know that sisters fight, I certainly fought with mine, she's seven years older and was always charged with my care. She resented me - I get that. She wanted to be the baby of the family and I took that away from her too. We never resolved things and don't see or speak to each other from one year to the next. We've nothing in common and have no interest in each other at all. I really don't want that for my girls.

There's just eighteen months between them, they go to the same school and they share all of the same hobbies. They've both tried other things but it always comes back to their shared love of dancing. On paper they should be the best of friends but the way they speak to each other can be so vile that it makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry.
We've tried splitting them up, giving each of them one to one time, explaining how their behaviour is impacting on all of us - but nothing changes and I really don't know how to make things better. 
Is it just girls? Is it just my girls? 

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


  1. I'll have yours and you can have mine!! They have reduced me tears a few times this holiday. Well not the eldest she's been fab.

    I just take heart that when they get on they really get on, so they are friends but know exactly how to wind each other to a frenzy very quickly. I have to say that the most arguementatitve one isn't female. He is horrid when he wants to be but he can make them laugh like no one else.

  2. There is 16 months between me and one of my sisters (I am the older). We fought like mad when we were growing up but are very close now (although we don't live that near to each other and have our own families etc). I know we didn't think about the effects it was having on the rest of the family but I can remember my mum saying countless times "you are very lucky to have a sister, I didnt have one" etc but it didn't really matter to us. Hopefully it is just growing pains and I am sure they will soon realise the value of a sister, especially one so close in age.

  3. There is about the same age gap between my sister and I. I remember hating her one minute and loving her the next and I'm pretty sure that it was the same for her.

    Eventually we stopped being PITA's and worked together at four or maybe five different companies and loved when people mistook us for twins. We are really close now as are our children.

    Saying that one thing that worked for us was having a common enemy in the form of our Mum. So if your up for it you could force things to settle more quickly... although you will be given some rather horrid looks behind your back for a couple of days!

    PS we love our Mum lots now lol.

  4. Kids fighting really cuts to the heart since, as adults, we understand the gravity of words and actions and what they can mean in later life. Young people I talk to, though, tell me that parents take their fighting way too seriously and give it connotations that are not there. I see a little truth in that since I remember the BAD fights I used to have with my sister - my best friend now in grown up land.

    I did get some results in punishing with meaningful currency applicable to my children - a mobile phone for instance is akin to oxygen - and punishing all. Not caring who was right or wrong. It was just enough to hear them fighting.

    Overheard once: "Let's stop before Mum hears us."


    Good luck with finding your kids' currency to alter their behaviour. HMSx

  5. In an additional twist to the saga...
    They just stood next to me and asked if they could bunk in together?

    Sonny and I both stopped what we were doing looked at each other and shouted NO!

    Urgh - I give up!

  6. So so difficult. I have a boy/girl but notice a huge difference in their behaviour with their friends. My daughter and her friends bicker constantly, it is so tiring trying to keep up with who is this week's favourite. My son plays well with his friends, they just don't seem to have the same energy for nasty comments. If they argue, they sort it out and it is soon forgotten.

    I don't know how to help you other than to say that you are not alone.

  7. It's girls. My sister and I fought like cat and dog, but I always adored her. It absolutely devastated my mum as she desperately wanted us to be close to each other. However, she's *my* sister and if any bitch hurts her, I *will* have them!

  8. My two older ones 5 &3 fight so, SO much boy and girl so I don't really thing it's girldbut they are also the best of friends.
    It gets physical too hitting, biting etc I was intervening all the time, and then I just stopped and thought bugger it.
    I would watch from a distance so I could keep an eye on them to make sure they didn't actually hurt each other! It seems they have resolved things quicker. I also tell them both off and I'm not interested in who did what. They hate that they both desperately want to be the one who was innocent lol

    The fighting has reduced HUGELY.

    Good luck!

  9. This post is almost identical to one I have been writing in my head. My girls (9&5 - the baby hasn't started fighting yet!) have been horrendous - we've just come back from holiday where they were famous for fighting. I used to go to the play area to find them scrapping like animals sometimes.
    I have no solutions but have found that trying to give them time apart now we are back has helped 'slightly' when they are together. This is really hard though as there is only mum to have them & I don't really want to use my only babysitter for non-urgent things. Mum refuses to have them both together as they are so bad!

    I try The not being interested who is to blame too. One thing that really winds me up is when people laugh and say it will only get worse when Baby T starts joining in.

  10. My eldest two are 9 and 8 and the fighting is SO bad at the moment I actually think one of them might knock the other one unconscious one of these days. I find it quite disheartening if I'm honest. I take away their privileges but it doesn't seem to stop them. So no answers from me, just a lot of sympathy! (Mine are boys but I'm sure girls and boys are as bad as each other.)

  11. My sister is 20 months younger than me and we were the bestest of friends. We modelled together, did ballet together, theatre-- you name it. And then my sister turned 10 and started to hate me.

    We still ran in the some of the same circles (theatre, musicals) but she barely tolerated me. Once I moved away for Uni things got better and now we are really good friends again.

    I wish I could tell you why but it will eventually get better :)

  12. I wish I could help with this one. My boys are 2 years exactly apart. They fight yes but not that much but then they are still very young. I didn't have any brothers or sisters so can't give advice from that. Sorry I hope things get better. Hugs x

  13. Nataliya, But who starts the trouble? Boy or girl???

    Helen, That made me laugh but not really what you want to hear is it?!

    TheBoyandMe, To be fair they did rally around each other when we had that racism stuff going on at school last year.

    Ella, What do your boys fight over? Is it over things or are they just vile to each other?

    Melaina, Hormones maybe? I dont even want to think about hormones... ever...

    Susan, My boys are 10 years apart, so like having two only children really. They've always been lovely. though Sonny did go through a phase of having utterly major melt downs and banging his head on the wall when he was about 5. I filmed him once and then played it back to him when he calmed down. He never did it again after that!

  14. Sian,
    We'd like to offer you a free call with one of our Greatvine experts, Sarah Newton. She's an expert in family relationships. This is her profile on our site http://www.greatvine.com/sarah-newton

    Get in touch on twitter or email lara.colvill@greatvine.com


Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. Appreciated as always. xx


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